just a quick update...

i swear i haven't forgot about updating my blog...it's just that at the moment i am really bogged down with 'stuff'...i have 2 tests next week so i am pretty much spending all of my spare time studying...

anyway...in case anyone is wondering...we got the heat fixed...just in time for the current HEAT WAVE haha...it is sunny and warm outside today...

just thought i would check in...i promise to write something more interesting tomorrow! ;P

baby it's cold outside...

ok so either i have slept through fall...or winter just bullied its way in after summer...

it is FREEZING COLD here...

we decided a few days ago that it was time to light the furnance...so phillip made his way to the basement and came back upstairs after about 30 minutes to tell me that he couldnt get it lit!

so the next day i called the gas place and told them that they needed to send someone here to light our pilot light...and they did...and i was so happy when the guy showed up...but my happiness was short lived because after going to light it...he came back up and said...'um ma'am you have a leak...so i will have to turn off your gas until you get it fixed'...

ugh

so i called the landlord who called a repairman who came and fixed the furnance...

once again i was so happy...

i called the gas place back and told them that we got it fixed and needed them to the gas back on ASAP...because we had no heat and i couldnt cook (we have a gas stove)...ok so the cooking thing was not so upsetting...

so TODAY they finally sent an inspector over to check out the handy dandy repair work...oh how happy i was...we were gonna have heat tonight...

BUT...

the inspector came to the door and said...'um ma'am i can't turn the gas on because the gas pipes are no longer up to code'...

WHAT?!?!?! YOU ARE KIDDING RIGHT???

but he wasnt kidding...all of the gas pipes are going to have to be replaced and the gas meter and the pipes underground...

my landlord...well he is not happy AT ALL!

so now we are freezing...and well domino's cooked dinner tonight...i guess we are gonna have to get some electric heaters because God only knows when we will get everything up to CODE!

as for the cooking thing...i am not worried about that at all! hehe :P

the weatherman didnt offer any help either!

a gift???????

ok so some little old lady from church decided to give phillip a sweater...a very ugly sweater...

phillip...well he feels obligated to wear this ugly sweater...or maybe he secretly likes it...either way...the ugly thing has got to go...let me know what you think:

the thing that really makes it so bad..is that phil (god love him) puts a white button up dress shirt on under the sweater then pulls the collar out so that it is hanging over the neck of the sweater...ugh...i am gonna try to get a picture of him wearing it...so i can put it on my blog haha (shhh don't tell!)

really i think we should just spread it on the table and play a game of chess!

Monday MeMe

43. My youngest sons' name is Jonah Clifford

ok so i wanted to name him jack...really i WANTED TO NAME HIM JACK...but phillip didnt like the name jack so much...acutally he didnt like it at all...

so for the entire pregnancy i was trying to think of names...i thought about luke, silas, (and secretly i liked the name Bam)...and matthew (just so i could call him matty...which phillip also hated)...and we tossed around the name jonah, and jonas...

phillip liked the name BOAZ!!! did you read that correctly??? B.O.A.Z. !!!!!! of course i said um...NO WAY NO HOW!!

so jonah ended up getting here about 4 weeks early and we still hadnt decided on a name...

jonah was born early in the morning and around noon the nurse came into the room with the papers that we needed to fill out...it reminded me of an application...like we were applying to be parents or something...hehe

anyway the time had come to decide on a name...yikes! what were we gonna call our new little boy who we had beem affectionately referring to as 'the baby' all morning...

this is exactly how it went....

me: do you like the name silas?

phillip: eehhhh...

me: what about luke?

phillip: i dont know...

me: what about jonah...

phillip: yeah that is ok...

so i wrote down the name jonah...on the application err birth record thingamajig...(which now that i think about it...was in fact probably an application for a birth certificate....God i am a genius!)

anyway...we were really having trouble with the middle name...so the nurse said...we could wait a while to think about the middle name...but not too long...

in the meantime...my oh so VOCAL mother in law...called and kept on asking about the name...and she was really getting on my nerves because she thought that we needed to get a name ASAP...i didnt tell her that we had chose jonah yet....

so finally we are in the room...i am obsessing over this name thing in my head and phillip is watching tv....and i said....

what about naming him after your dad...and phillip looked at me kind of shocked and said...really? and i said..yeah if you want to...so he said...we can do that...so he was named....jonah CLIFFORD!

i wrote it down...it was a done deal...

here was my thought process on the name thing...(geez i wish i had thought a little longer)...anyway...phillips dad passed away when phillip was about 3 or 4 years old...he has several granchildren (21 in fact) that he never got to see...so i thought it would be nice to name jonah after him...(maybe it was all of the drugs they gave me before and after the c-section, i am not sure)...

anyway...i was feeling all warm and fuzzy because i knew that it meant a lot to phil...and i figured that i would score major points with the mother in law as well...

--fast forward to later in the day--

phillips mom walks in the room...and i was so excited to tell her the name...i didnt even let her get all the way into the room before i was saying...GUESS WHAT WE NAMED HIM?...and she said what?

so i told her....we named him jonah clifford...

in an instant all the blood drained from her face...and she said...CLIFFORD??? i always did hate that name!

i couldnt believe it....then as if that werent enough...she was holding him and said...jonah...hmmm...well i guess that is a good name since they just got him out of the belly of a whale...

god i hate my mother in law sometimes....:P

all in all it is kind of funny...you see clifford is the perfect name to say when i am upset at him...CLIFFORD! YOU BETTER STOP THAT!....he is gonna hate that when he gets older haha. and i hardly ever call him jonah...in his short almost two years...he has been callend....

jones
mr. jones
joan (i gotta stop calling him this one)
joanie
jonah bologna
jaybird
jay
jay jay
and most recently...me and seth gave him his own mobster name...little joey bones!

it's getting crazy again...

a had a few days off from classes last week...we had our fall break...evidently it was just enough time for me to get really lazy...(ok lazier)...because i just can't make myself study...my computer class i am not worried about...but human anatomy and physiology (also known as biology 2010)...UGH!

the thing that is making me crazy is that even though we didnt have class last week...i am still getting bombarded with HOMEWORK AND QUIZZES...that i have to do online...**oh isnt the internet just wonderful** (end sarcasm)

anyway...i have all of this work to do and really...the integumentary system is the last thing i want to think about today...oh well it is friday...why do today what i can put off til tomorrow?!

i am also disgusted that i am not going to get to take jonah and seth trick or treating...why??? you ask.....BECAUSE I HAVE A TEST IN BIOLOGY THAT NIGHT... >:P

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oh and in case anyone wants to know (you know like my sisters who i never call anymore)...jonah is scheduled for his surgery...November 18th....I am not looking forward to that...he doesnt seem worried at all...

and by the way...you can't really tell it in this picture but i DIDN'T get his hair cut...although i have been really tempted to everytime i go somewhere and pass by the place where i get my hair cut...i am gonna stick to the plan of waiting until January when he turns 2...mostly just to aggravate my mother-in-law... muhahahaha!

read any good books lately?

in my english class last semester one of our assignments was to read the novel watership down by richards adams...

i had never heard of this book but the professor assured us that it was a 'classic' a 'must read'....it doesnt take much encouragement for me to read a book (ok misty i know i didnt read the gunslinger)...so i was pretty excited about the assignment...a lot of the kids in the class were not as excited as i seemed to be...

i could hear groans and sighs from other students saying...'i dont want to read about a bunch of stupid rabbits'...i ordered the book from amazon as soon as i got home from class that night...and i couldnt put it down...i absolutely love this book...when it came time to talk about it in class...the teacher asked us to tell her what we thought about the book...one girl up front quickly said...'i just couldnt get into a book about rabbits'...i felt disappointed in her comment and i spoke up...and i said...'this book is not about rabbits...you have to look past the rabbits...it is about SO much more...it is about us..you and i...and how we live our lives (and so on)...'

when i finished my sermon...the other students were just looking at me like i was an idiot...and the professor...well she was smiling...smiling at me...because she knew that 'i got it'...i felt proud and stupid all at the same time...

so that brings me to the real reason that i am blogging about reading...

my online friend colleen has a blog over at looseleafnotes.com ...i have been reading her blog for several months now...and she is an excellent...make that EXCELLENT writer...she has published two books The Jim and Dan Stories: A Journey Through Grief and Faith and Muses Like Moonlight: A Closet Poet Comes Out .

i cannot say enough how much i love these two books...colleen had mentioned them on her site a few times...and she has often blogged about her brothers jim and dan...so i finally ordered the books and read them both in a day...

i guess if i had to choose a favorite (really i love them both) it would be the jim and dan stories...although it is about losing two of her brothers and her journey through time and grief...it is actually about so much more...

after reading it i instantly thought about that 'sermon' i gave in english class...because i thought...as much as this book is about colleen and her family and their tragedies...it is about my family and your family and anybody's family...it's about unconditional love...and bonds that cant be broken...its about memories and legacy...it is about the human spirit...

you should order these books and read them...you will be glad that you did...

is this what they mean by thinking outside of the bun?

ok so i know this is my second post today...but what can i say...i am bored...hehe (obviously!)...this is one of my favorite pics of phillip and the boys.... :P

just thinking

i think i started blogging because i have always wanted to keep a journal...and i have tried countless many times...i have tons of notebooks with two or three pages of writings to prove it...but i think that maybe i am just too lazy to actual take out a pen and write everyday...

the idea i had about blogging was different from what my blog has actually evolved into...

i would like to say that i write with no care or concern about who reads my words or no care or concern whether ANYONE reads my words ...but alas..that is not true...

i find myself writing just for the people that i know usually read my blog...i make an effort not to say things that i think might offend or make someone feel slighted...

sometimes i really want to say things...like you would in a journal or a diary...but i can't...i won't...i guess having a diary or a journal posted on the internet for the whole world to see is kind of silly if you are looking for a place to post your innermost thoughts in an effort to sort things out...

don't get me wrong...i love blogging...i love words...i love when people say that i have made them laugh..i LOVE the comments...it is so freaky how i can check my email read a comment and just walk away smiling...a single comment can make my day...maybe that says a lot about me and my insecurities and my need to constantly be reassured that i am in fact NOT a freak.....go figure...

i have no plans of quitting blogging...but...i still wish i had a place to write...with reckless abadonment....

now...where did i put that notebook and pen???

the restroom debacle

i have never been a big coffee drinker...

but a couple of semesters ago i took a speech class and our first assignment was to give an informative speech on any topic...

i dont know why...and i dont know how...but out of the vast world of possiblities...i decided to give my speech on coffee...

so after a few weeks of reading...researching...and sampling way too many different roasts of coffee...i emerged with an A for the speech and a newfound addiction to coffee...

now the thing about coffee is...well...for ME anyway...sometimes coffee can have a laxative effect (OH SURE GO AHEAD AND LAUGH!)...

another thing is...that a lot of times i just wake up and decide to go somewhere...just me and the boys...i tend to be very spontaneous that way...

now about the whole 'debacle' thing...

a few days ago i woke up...made some coffee...and drank it while the boys were eating breakfast...then all of a sudden i decided that i needed to go to wal-mart...so we did...seth, jonah and me...

now wal-mart is about 25 minutes from my house...all the way there i was feeling a little 'yucky' but i really needed to get some stuff from the store...so i just ignored it...but i knew i was probably gonna have to find a restroom before i got back home...and God i just hate public restrooms...because i have the freaky thing about germs...but anyway...i digress...

by the time i actually reached wal-mart i was just praying to make it to the restroom before something really bad happened...so there we were the three of us...rushing past the greeter...grabbing a cart and making our way back to layaway (yeah there are restrooms up front but the ones in the back seem less crowded)

luckily when we go in there is no one in there...so i corral both of the boys into the handicap stall with me...i figured with a 5 year old and a 20 month old...the handicap stall was really the only option...

so there we were me on the *ahem* throne and jonah and seth running around like i had just brought them into a totally exciting playhouse....(ugh)...jonah grabs the toilet paper and takes off...there is a streamer of toilet paper following him as he is running around in a circle...i finally got him to stop long enough for me to notice that seth and snuck behind me and found the button to control the automatic flushing mechanism on the toilet...and just as i say ....NO!! SETH STOP!!! he pushes it and the toilet flushes and water sprays all over my um...backside...in the meantime a couple of women have entered the restroom...and wouldnt you know one of them decided to use the stall next to me...well as soon as jonah saw feet in the stall beside us...he immediately tries to bend down to see who it is...i grab him about the time that seth pushes the button again...and when i reach to get seth...in a flash jonah lays on his belly and GRABS THE FOOT IN THE STALL BESIDE ME....ACK!!!! i was dying...seth was going...MOM AREN'T YOU DONE YET??!?!?!?!?!

at this point i was in full blown panic mode...i was sitting there soaking wet from seth flushing the toilet god only knows how many times...there is a big pile of toilet paper by my feet...and i just grab them both and give them my best... IF-YOU-DON'T-STOP-I-AM-GONNA-CHEW-YOU-UP-AND-SPIT-YOU-OUT mommy looks...i got 'things' under control and waited for everyone to leave...then...just like nothing had ever happened...we emerged from the handicap stall...washed our hands...and headed out into the store to do our shopping...

i am thinking i may need to rethink my love of coffee....

Monday MEME

21. I wet the bed until I was 13 years old.

i really did wet the bed until i was 13...and now i wonder what actually made me stop when i turned 13...(i am just glad that i did!)

i wet the bed almost every night...my poor mom i am sure that she hated it...but i can't remember her complaining too much...but i DO remember my sister vickie complaining...i think she complained because we shared a bed (hehe)...

i had a rountine...i would wake up in a warm puddle of pee...get up...go wash myself off...put on clean panties...go get a towel and a dry blanket...i would put the towel over the wet spot and cover up with the dry blanket and go right back to sleep...if i was lucky i only had to do this once a night...one time i remember digging through the silverware drawer in the middle of the night..i was half asleep...and i knew i was looking for panties in the silverware drawer...and i knew that i wasnt going to find any...but i was still somewhat asleep (and confused) yet i was awake enough to remember it...(i know that sounds weird...but i am kind of a freak ya know)...then my mom walked in the kitchen and said...'LUANN!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???!?!?" and i looked at her and said 'looking for some dry panties'...i think it was at that point that i snapped fully awake...looked at her again...shut the silverware drawer...hung my head...and went to my room...

i would never EVER spend the night with my friends...for fear that i would pee in their bed...one time i did have a friend stay the night with me...and she slept with me and vickie and sure enough i peed...it was horrible...i woke up..and my friend woke up...i swore to her that i didnt do it...and i blamed it on vickie...she acted like she believed me...but i know that she didnt...especially since the BIG wet spot was right under me...and my gown was soaking wet...(oh by the way...sorry vick! heehee)

anyway...i am glad to say that i did finally stop wetting the bed...although i must confess that when i was pregnant with one of the boys...i had to go pee in the middle of the night...and the cross between being about 8 months pregnant...waiting too long to get up and go...and having to crawl over phillip to get out of the bed was a bad mix...

when i put my leg over phillip to get out of the bed...i just peed all over his feet...i couldnt help it...i tried...but it was no use...luckily he forgave me...and i havent peed on him or in the bed since! :P

i am still debating the hair thing...

i posted about this once before...but it is kind of an ongoing debate in my head...

i really thought i would just take jonah and get his hair cut today....my plan has been to wait until he turns 2 in january...but now i am waffling on it...i think it is just because i am BORED! i know that as soon as i do i will regret it....however, my dear sister vickie (with her keen eye :P)
pointed out that my little mr jones was starting to resemble a baby orangutan...upon further review...i cant say that i totally disagree with her.....

i will let you guys know if i decided to get his hair cut...

and the truth shall set you free.....or not!

ok first let me just say to robin...(you should always trust your first instincts!)

so about that lie....

1. i have a close guy friend who is a witch and practicing wiccan/pagan.

Yep this is true...i do have a friend who is a witch (ok i think he should be a warlock since he is a guy)...i guess he is a good kind of witch...he is probably more like samantha than endora (if you have never watched 'bewitched' i guess i lost you on that one)

2. my husband divorced his first wife the weekend before we were married...i was his character witness in court...

This one is also true...but i guess i should clarify a few things...just in case someone might get the idea that i am some kind of homewrecker...phillip was married when i met him...but his wife had been long gone for about 9 years...(if you read my post from a couple of days ago, you will know that she took off when his older two boys were babies)...anyway...he never bothered to get a divorce until we decided to get married...and phillip being somewhat of a procrastinator put it off until the last minute (i can't fault him for that...i am a big procrastinator too)...anyway when he went to court he needed a character witness...we decided that i should do it...that way we could just leave divorce court and head to the clerk's office to get our marriage license....but that turned out to be stressful...they wouldnt give us a license in the county we live in because his divorce had to be final for 30 DAYS!! and the wedding was already planned for that next weekend complete with relatives coming in from out of town...so luckily we went to the neighboring county and for a small fee...they hooked us up with a license...the funny thing is...most people had no clue that phillip wasnt divorced while we were dating...muhahahahaha

3. when i was in my early twenties i made lots of money gambling illegally...

after posting this one...i felt a little bad...ok maybe even a lot bad...because yes my dear friends...this one is true as well...i am hoping that it really wasn't as criminal bad as it sounds....you see i used to work at this conveinent store...for this guy who was greedy with a capital G...he had all of these poker machines that he illegally paid out from...(if you won)...so one day the guy who serviced the poker machines was in the store and he showed me and another employee how to 'beat' the machines everytime...so armed with that knowledge me and my partner in crime set out and pretty much lived the high life oh for about 4 months...we beat every machine in that small town...it was the perfect set up...a couple of the local cops even got in on the action...really i could write an entire post about this...but right now i am just feeling bad for even bringing it up.....

to make a long story short...my parents moved from that town...(yeah my dad is a preacher..) and i ended up moving with them...i figured i should get gone while the getting was good..hehe

oh and one other thing...the guy that owned the store i worked at...the one who was paying off illegally...is now the sheriff of that town...he has been for several years....

4. I have never seen the ocean.

ok...so SCOTTY got it right...i have seen the ocean...this one was a big fat lie...

i have been to myrtle beach 3 times...i love the ocean...i will never forget the first time i saw it...i looked over and from a distance and i remember thinking 'is that a mountain'??? (ok i am from tennessee what can i say)....then i realized that it was the ocean...it was scary and breathtaking all at the same time....

the three truths and a lie thingamajig

ok i am going to be a conformist and join the ranks of a few of my fellow bloggers and do the three truths and a lie meme...

i am gonna list four things....3 are true...one is a lie...you get to pick out the lie....

sound like fun? yeah i didnt think so....but anyway.............here goes:

1. i have a close guy friend who is a witch and practicing wiccan/pagan.

2. my husband divorced his first wife the weekend before we were married...i was his character witness in court...

3. when i was in my early twenties i made lots of money gambling illegally...

4. I have never seen the ocean.

ok so there you have.....you tell me which one is a big fat lie...

oh and obiviously there are a few people that know well enough to get this one right...(ahem...like my real life SISTERS!! so be nice and dont ruin my fun...) ;P

and so it begins...or 28 days and counting

"they" say that it takes 30 days to break a habit...

i could list many good reasons that i believe makes me a candidate for worst mother...the latest reason...would be that jonah is almost 2 and i still havent completely broke him from his bottle...

it makes me feel like a bad mother because...jonahs teeth problems most likely are due to the fact that i have been letting him go to bed with his bottle...and now he is facing dental surgery where he will be put to sleep...and there are the risks due to his heart defect and anesthesia...sigh...

(please refrain from evil comments...i beat myself up enough about it)

anyway...we are officially breaking him from his bottle this is day 2...28 more to go...last night was horrid...we put him to bed...and he SCREAMED for about 45 minutes...then after throwing all of his covers...a doll...and taking off his shirt and throwing all of it in the floor...he finally went to sleep...

then he woke up about 2 am wanting a bottle...i got him a sippy cup half empty of milk...held him in my lap and let him drink it and then put him back into his bed...he screamed for about 30 more minutes...then fell asleep again...

todays nap was more of the same...

tonight he went to bed a little more peacably....i hope he sleeps through the night....

30 days seems like forever...poor little guy...

Monday Meme

6. I worked for a private investigator for 12 years.

ok so last week i promised to write about my time working for a private investigator....so here goes...

i got the job through a friend...i was so excited about working for a P.I....i wasnt sure what exactly i would be doing...all i knew is that i wanted that job SO bad...

so i went for an interview...my friend who got me the job told me to wear a dress...and although wearing a dress pretty much goes against every fiber of my being...i compromised and opted for a skirt...(i should have just worn jeans and my yankees hat)...

the office was at the top of a mountain in the owners house...he has a huge house and at that time the office was the entire downstairs of his house...he has since built an office separate from the house...

he seemed really nice and really 'normal'...ok so maybe i was expecting james bond and the whole shaken not stirred rountine...but what i got was a dork in a mullet...that was ok...i quickly recovered from the disappointment about 007 and i ended up with the job...

my job pretty much consisted of sitting on my big fatty all day...talking on the phone and doing background and location searches on people...really it was the perfect job for me...i am so darned nosey...

the worst thing about the job...(and their were many bad things)....was one of my co-workers...his name was dave...he was gross with a capital G....and stupid with a capital S...and moronic with a capital M....ok so i could use up the whole alphabet...but i will spare you...

dave...(bless his heart) weighed oh...about 400 lbs...he ate non-stop...ok so he did stop long enough to pick at the scaly skin on his face and pick his ear with his key...

i am not kidding and i suppose i am being mean...but this guy was just a jerk...and if you were a woman...he was a SUPER jerk...and the fact that he was just plain ole gross...made my job seem unbearable at times...

but i tolerated dave...he tolerated me and i stayed for 10 years...when seth came along i decided to quit my job and be a stay at home mom...quitting that job was harder than i thought...i mean for years i HATED dave...i would dream about telling my boss to take that job and shove it...i wanted so bad to be a housewife (so i thought)...my boss begged and bribed me not to quit and although i was tempted...i knew that we didnt want to put our brand new baby in daycare...

i worked from home for a long time...and even now my ex-boss will call me from time to time offering me work that i can do from home...

the biggest thing that i learned from that job was how vulnerable people are and they dont even realize it...there is so much informatin out there about all of us...that is readily available at the stroke of a key...i am certain that most people put enough information about themselves on their blogs that would allow the 'right' person to dig up all kinds of information on them...

anyway...later on i will post some more interesting and entertaining stories about my days with the p.i. ...there are tons of them...

now back to what i was saying...

it seems funny how i can go for days and thinks...geez...nothing even slightly interesting has happened that i can blog about...and then out of nowhere...some little seemingly insignificant thing happens and boom...you just cant quit thinking of things to say about it...

that is what happened to me yesterday...

before i get to yesterdays events...let me give you a little info...

i have two stepsons...josh and nathan...they are 22 and 20 respectively.... phillip and i have been married for 11 years TODAY!!! (HOLY CRAP!!! I LITERALLY JUST NOW REALIZED THAT TODAY IS MY ANNIVERSARY.....)

that is it...i will just have to finish this post later...what to do...ugh...

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ok it is a few hours later...and i have recovered from the shock of the anniversary thing...i tried and tried to get a sitter so phillip and i could spend some time alone on our anniversary...but as usual...everybody i know either cant...or wont....so i will tell phil happy anniversary when he gets home and that will be that...sigh

anyway back to my original post...

as i said i have two stepsons...now when phil and i got married josh and nathan were 10 and 12...up until then phillip and his mother had raised them...

their 'birth mother' (i really hesitate to use the word mother for her)...decided long about the time that nathan was 11 MONTHS and josh was 2 that she needed to leave...so she did...she just left them...took off to do whatever she wanted with whoever she wanted...and as far as i can tell that was that...

phillip and his mother raised them...they saw her from time to time (maybe once or twice every year or two) when she would come visit with her boyfriend and her new baby boy...her and phillip werent divorced but there was no chance of reconciliation (at least that is what i think)...josh loved his mom unconditionally...to him she was an angel...he loved her...he loved her more than she deserved to be loved by him...nathan on the other hand...didnt really know her...i dont think he ever bonded with her as a baby...i mean he was still a baby when she left...he grew to resent her...maybe even hate her...he simply made no room for her at all in his life...

i first met phillip when the boys were 6 and 8...me and nathan bonded instantly...he was attached to my side long before me dating his father was even a possiblility...i have loved that kid as long as i have known him...

josh...on the other hand...didnt take to me at all...he tolerated me as nathans friend...he hated me as phillip girlfriend...i realize now that it wasnt about me...he would have hated anyone that phillip dated...he felt like he was losing his dad...and his mom...even though she was already gone...

things were rocky...to say the least after phillip and i started dating and eventually got married...the tension between josh and i was so thick you could have cut it with a knife...nathan got clingier...and josh got madder...phillip just kept quiet...he felt like he was caught in the middle..between josh and i....and really he was...there was no easy solution...it was our pink elephant...we all knew it was there...but no one really talked about it...

now they are grown...and in some ways i feel like they raised me as much as i raised them...see i was 25 and clueless when we got married...i had no idea of the reality of marrying someone with children that were almost teenagers...it was hard...i have a lot of regrets about the way i handled the situation with josh and myself...i should have been the adult...but mostly i just got mad at him...and totally shut him out...i feel bad about that a lot of the time...he was hurting in a way that i could not and did not even try to understand...i think that makes me bad person...

josh moved out as soon as he turned 18...so did nathan...when josh left it was like whew...he is gone...and things changed dramatically in our family...the tension was gone...when nathan left i was devastated...you see he got upset with his dad...and waited til about midnight...packed all of his stuff...and left us a note...that said...'well, i guess i am on my own now'....i cried and cried...

to make that part of the story short...nathan stayed away for a year and now he is back...and god i want him to move out again...hehe...i love him...but geez he is not that little squishy faced kid anymore...he is a slightly younger version of his dad!!!

about a year ago...josh rode with me to nashville...i was going to visit a friend in the hospital and he said he would go with me...and i said ok...and off we went...i was thinking the whole time...geez this is gonna be weird...but during that drive things changed...we talked and talked...he apologized...i apologized...we cried a little...and spoke of regrets...and things we wish we could go back and do over...and for the first time we have a relationship....it is not exactly mother and son relationship...but at the very least...we are friends...i do love that kid...and i understand now things i didnt understand then...

josh still loves his 'birth mother' but it is not the same love that that i used to see in those big ole eyes of that little boy...it is not the same love that used to make him tell me that i wasnt his 'real mom'...it is something much different...

so fast forward to yesterday...

i took my mother in law to the doctor...and when i took her back home...she got out of the car and then turned around and this conversation followed...

mother in law (MIL) - oh...my neice brenda is having a book printed tracing back the roots of our family...

me: um...ok

MIL - well...she needs some information...

me: like what...

MIL: well she wants to know when you and phillip met...when you got married...your parents names...and things like that...

me: ok

MIL: and she wants a family picture...

me: ok

MIL: and she needs something else....now she said to tell you that she didnt want to hurt your feelings but...

(ok...i knew i was gonna be upset)

MIL: she wants information about phillip and linda too (linda being the first wife)...she wants all the information about their wedding...and she wants a family picture of them too...you know she wants phillips first family...and then the picture with you and the younger boys ...the family he has now....she wants to put that stuff in their for josh and nathan...because linda is their mother...

i just sat there...looking at her...thinking this

WHAT!!! you have got to be kidding me!!!...you are so oblivious to the damage that she has done to those kids...you are so oblivious to the fact that what she done to them still effects them...it has effected their relationships with girls...it has made one of them (nathan) not trust anyone...and the other one (josh) cling to anyone that shows him the least bit of attention...she is a lot of things...but she is not their mother...she has never been...and never will be...

i am their mother...i have been here for them for the last 12 years...i love those boys...and together we ALL are phillips family...there is not a 'first famiy' and the 'one that he has now'...we are it.....we are his family...phillip...me...josh...nathan...seth...and jonah...

there is no place for her...she removed herself from that 'family picture' a long time ago...we are it...just the FIVE of us...

god how i wish i could have said that to my mother in law yesterday...but instead i just sat there...looking at her...it was an strange moment...she knew it and i knew it...finally i just said 'oh'...then put the car in reverse...she shut the door and i left...

random stuff...

ok i am a little tired...but i wanted to blog about something...so how about some random stuff that has been going on in my oh so boring little world...

* tonight at school...i was sitting outside reading...two girls were sitting close to me...having a nice little conversation...when all of a sudden one of the girls just turned around and spit...i looked up at her...and she then cleared her throat...hocked up something...and spit again...for a minute i thought i was in the twilight zone...

* i bought wynonnas new book today...i have read half of it...i am having a hard time feeling sorry for her...

* i found out last week that i can be really honest to someone that i dont really like...i am not sure if that is good or bad...

* i used to really dislike coffee...now i think i am addicted to it...but i only drink french roast...phillip only drinks columbian...we often have the great coffee debate...

* i stay up late...because i hate getting up early...does this make sense to anyone besides me???

* i wrote i mean helped my nephew write a research paper on the rainforest...his teacher gave him a B on it because there was no border around the text...am i stupid...or has anyone heard of putting borders on a research paper???

* i cant remember the last movie that i watched that wasnt a kids movie or a cartoon...i hate cartoons and kids movies...this weekend i am taking seth to see the new wallace and grommit movie...he is happy i am sad... :P

* being easily bored AND lazy...is not a good combination...i know this from experience...

* i suck at backgammon...i keep getting beat by a certain someone who shall not be named...(i wouldnt want to give her the satisfaction! ha)

* i have two tests next week...but my brain is so tired...or i am just plain ole stupid...because i cant even fathom the thought of anymore studying...

speaking of tired...this post is way too long and way too boring...so i shall stop here...i just know that tomorrow i will write something....HI-LARIOUS......or not.... ;P

pause for the cause...

ok i have not been online very much in the last few days...

i have my first biology exam tonight and i have been trying to use all my free time to study...my instructor is making this class WAY hard...so i am gonna try to beat the odds and get an A this semester...we will see...

ok so on to the cause that i decided to interrupt my studying for....MONDAY MEME!!!



i had a request to blog about my time working for a private investigator...but really i have got to study so i am just gonna pick something easier from my list to write about...(i promise the PI story next week!!)

14. So far I have been to two universities and one college.

ok so this is why i am studying like a mad woman...really i have wasted so much time in and out (mostly out) of school...i am currently trying to get a degree in radiology...as i mentioned in my 100 things list...i have been to several schools and had several different majors....

i started out at east tennessee state university as a pre-law major...that didnt last long...i was way more interested in partying and my newfound freedom...that i ended up having to move back home after one year...

then after several years...i enrolled at tennesse tech...as a psychology major (that is so funny)...but after enduring another year and a total moron of a boyfriend...once again i stopped going...

so now i am in school again...as radiology major...and for the first time i really think that i will finish...i am a much better student now than when i was younger...the worst thing is dealing with all of the young 'fresh out of high school' kids...they get on my last nerve...i hope i was never as dorky and uninformed as a lot of these kids...but i just know that i probably was...

i am pretty much known as a big nerd...but i dont care about that... i just laugh when it is test time and all of those cute little girls and big macho BOYS are trying to devise their best plan to look over my shoulder for answers...i make sure they cant see them...why??? because i am just evil like that !!! MUHAHAHAHA

ok really i gotta get back to studying.... 8)